Bring Your Own
Theater happened again last weekend. It was a lot of fun, especially
since a bunch of writers went to Clarke's to write together and not
only did it feel less lonely, but I also got to eat pancakes.
I felt really good
about this one and the play ended up really close to the script.
They added tinkly restaurant background music. When the lights came
up, Vinny was sitting alone at the table, looking sad with sad music
and the crowd went “Awwww!” Five seconds without saying a word,
and he had the audience hooked.
So, for your reading
enjoyment, here's "Glitching."
Glitching
At a restaurant.
There is a table set with two glasses and sets of silverware. Frank
is waiting at the table.
MARY enters.
FRANK
(FRANK stands to
greet her and gives an awkward hug) Heeeeey!
MARY
Hi.
They take their
seats.
FRANK
Thanks for—um—for
coming. For—uh—showing up. Well. Yeah. I know you've been
busy lately. And now you're—you know—glitching.
MARY
It happens. Sorry.
That's why I'm late.
FRANK
It's fine. It's
cute. I know it happens more when you're stressed. I promise I will
be totally patient. Just wait out whatever little “power outages”
you have.
MARY
Well, good, because
I've got some stuff I want to talk to you about.
FRANK
Me too! We haven't
talked in so long and I've got something really important to ask you.
MARY
Before you do that
though. Frank. We've had a great time. And you're such a sweet
guy. And I don't know how to say this. But--
Mary freezes
FRANK
(FRANK leans
forward to wait for her to finish, then leans back again.) Oh.
She's glitching. (to a non-existent person at another table)
She's just glitching. No worries. (He drums his fingers
on the table.) No worries at all.
BRIAN, the
waiter, enters.
BRIAN
Hello. Welcome to--
FRANK
She's just
glitching...We're on a date.
BRIAN
Uh. Right.
So...does she want like something other than water or anything?
FRANK
Oh! No. Water's
great. Water's all around! Um, hey, actually could you, uh,
just...(He gestures at MARY) watch her for a minute while
I...? (He gestures over his shoulder.)
BRIAN
Watch her?
FRANK
Yeah. Make sure she
just doesn't fall over or something. No one steals her wallet. You
know.
BRIAN
Not really.
FRANK
Just watch her.
BRIAN
Like creepy watch
her?
FRANK
No, like watch over
her.
BRIAN
Don't think she
needs your protection, bro.
FRANK
That's not what I
meant.
BRIAN
Just saying. Why
are you leaving, anyway?
FRANK
I'm...I need to...
(gestures again.)
BRIAN
Need to what?
FRANK
The bathroom?
BRIAN
(BRIAN considers
him.) Huh.
FRANK
So are you gonna
watch her?
BRIAN
Yeah. Whatever.
FRANK
Thanks.
FRANK exits.
BRIAN waits, moving the waters into a better position. MARY
unfreezes.
MARY
--I met someone.
Frank? Shit. (MARY looks up at BRIAN.) Where'd he go?
BRIAN
To piss.
MARY
Ugg.
BRIAN takes a
seat.
BRIAN
It's Mary, right?
MARY
Yeah?
BRIAN
Bloody Mary, the
dealer?
MARY
Shh! Shit!
BRIAN
Dude! I knew it!
You remember me? Brian, from the Garfield Red Line stop? Hey, do
you have anymore of that Hawaiian blend?
MARY
Brian from the
Garfield Red Line?
BRIAN nods.
MARY
Dude, you own me
fifty bucks!
BRIAN
Waaaat? Noooo. You
sure?
MARY picks up
her butter knife and holds it threateningly.
MARY
Look you little
brainless, fucking--
MARY freezes.
BRIAN
Woah. (He waves
his hand in front of her face. He looks over his shoulder, then
shifts towards her to rearrange her hair, trying to make her look
pretty.) There ya go.
FRANK enters.
And BRIAN pulls away like he hadn't been doing anything. FRANK
pauses before sitting.
FRANK
She moved.
BRIAN
Yeah. She fixed her
hair. To look better for your date thing.
FRANK looks
skeptical, but takes his seat.
BRIAN
How was the can?
FRANK looks
confused and indignant.
BRIAN
Right. Private.
Gotchya. You ready to order?
FRANK
Well, I don't know
what she wants or anything.
BRIAN
Ah. I just figured
you'd order for her since you're kinda an ass.
FRANK
What?
BRIAN
You ordered her
drink for her.
FRANK
It was water.
BRIAN
Yeah. Like I said.
FRANK
No. I think we're
gonna need a few minutes.
BRIAN shrugs
and exits.
MARY
--turd-blanket! Oh.
FRANK
Hey, you're back.
MARY
Frank. Right.
Sorry.
FRANK
No worries.
MARY
Anyway, you know,
you're a great guy.
FRANK
You're great too! I
actually wanted to talk about how great you are. You're so nice and
smart and pretty and my brother's getting married in a couple weeks,
so I was thinking...
MARY
Oh, Frank.
FRANK
...It'd be a great
time to introduce you to my family.
MARY
That's...I've
already met some of your family.
FRANK
Yeah, you met my
sister.
MARY
Exactly. I met
Cathy.
FRANK
And she loved you.
MARY
Yeah. She (coughs)
loved me.
FRANK
Won't stop talking
about how great you are. The last three phone calls have been “Mary
has such great taste in music,” and “Mary has such pretty eyes,”
and “Mary smells so good.”
MARY
About that.
FRANK
So, see. You should
come to the wedding with me.
MARY
I'd love to, but--
MARY freezes.
FRANK leans back and drums his fingers on the table. BRIAN
enters.
BRIAN
Still need a minute?
FRANK
Yeah.
BRIAN
Did she say anything
about me? Like she might have something for me?
FRANK
Are you who she was
calling a turd-blanket?
BRIAN
No. That doesn't
sound like me.
FRANK
Right. Did she say
anything about me? When she snapped out of it and you were here?
BRIAN
She said—Wait.
You're on a date right? You said so while you were being all
awkward.
FRANK
Yeah.
BRIAN
Huh. Um. No, she
didn't say anything and--(BRIAN knocks over one of the water
glasses, trying and failing to make it look like an
accident, splashing water all over FRANK.) Oops!
FRANK jumps back
out of his chair.
FRANK
Shit.
BRIAN
Oh man, dude. (He
pats at FRANK's shirt.) Bummer.
FRANK sighs.
FRANK
Can you...(He
gestures at MARY again.)
BRIAN
Yeah. Yeah. You
got it. I'll watch over her because she's all delicate or whatever.
FRANK exits.
BRIAN takes a seat. MARY unfreezes.
MARY
--I fooled around
with your sister and I think we're in love.
BRIAN
Whoa!
MARY
Oh, God. It's you.
BRIAN
His sister!
Seriously?!
MARY groans.
BRIAN
That's pretty low.
MARY
It just happened.
BRIAN
Uh huh.
MARY
He's great. He
doesn't deserve this. But it's like I met him and he was so great
and then I met her and realized he was like the warm up. He was
like...the training wheels for the real thing. And what am I
supposed to do?
BRIAN
Fuck his sister,
obviously.
MARY drops her
head to the table.
MARY
I need to let him
down easy.
BRIAN
Yeah, but if you try
that, you probably won't get it out before glitching like twelve more
times. So I don't think you should try. He seems like he sucks. He
ordered water for you.
MARY
(She raises her
head from the table.) What?
BRIAN points at
the water.
MARY
Why am I telling you
all this?
BRIAN
We're bros.
MARY
You owe me money.
BRIAN
I owe all my bros
money.
FRANK enters.
FRANK
Hey, Mary. Sorry, I
just had a guy spill water on me.
BRIAN winks
obviously and stands to give the chair over to FRANK.
FRANK
So! Want to go to
this wedding with me?
MARY
I'm sorry. I can't.
FRANK
Oh. Right. You're
busy. Maybe we could do dinner with them sometime.
MARY
No. Just listen for
a minute. This is hard to say.
MARY hesitates.
BRIAN
She wants to bone
your sister. And, like, break up with you.
MARY
Oh my God!
BRIAN
You're welcome.
FRANK
What? No that's...
(To MARY) What?
MARY
That's not—I
wanted to be gentle.
FRANK
Gentle?
MARY
I'm so sorry!
FRANK
Cathy?!
MARY
She's a lot like
you! Only a little...
BRIAN
Better.
MARY
No! No. Different.
FRANK
(He drops
his head into his hands) Oh God.
MARY
Oh God. I didn't
want it to be this way. Damned druggie waiter.
BRIAN
I don't know if I
count as your waiter since you haven't ordered anything.
MARY
I should just go.
(She stands.) Bye, Frank. You can do so much better.
MARY exits.
BRIAN shifts into her empty chair.
BRIAN
Wow.
FRANK
Yeah.
BRIAN
So...Do you have any
of that Hawaiian blend?
FRANK
What? No.
BRIAN
Ah. So...would it
be weird if I dated your sister?
FRANK looks up.
FRANK
(With a sigh)
I don't care anymore. You have my blessing.
BRIAN
Dude, I asked if
it'd be weird, not if I could have your blessing. She's a grown ass
woman. She doesn't need your permission to date anybody. Quit being
controlling. Maybe this is why Bloody Mary left you.
FRANK lowers his
face back into his hands. BRIAN shrugs and drinks MARY's water.
END SCENE
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