Despite my fears and awkward posts about how I didn't know what I was doing, my script at Bring Your Own Theater turned out well. The actors liked the characters, and the director said I made it the easiest day of his life and then drunkenly kissed everyone. I've heard it said that the best compliment you can give an artist is not to tell them that you love their work, but to tell someone else that you love their work. At BYOT, someone came up to me and said, "I heard your script is great," meaning that someone who had read it had told them this. That's all kinds of awesome, even if people were being especially nice to me after I acted so concerned and new.
But more importantly than my script getting good reception, the play was amazing. The actors (who were all unbelievable) completely owned it. As my director told them later in a fit of excited passion, "You were the only three people in that room." They changed some lines by adding swear words which made it feel more natural and emotional, and they added a few jokes, all of which I approve of 100%. It was a collaborative effort--one that I'm honored I was a part of and was not at all something worth worrying about. I gave them a plot and characters and a spirit, and then ran with it, expanded upon it, made it breathe.
So it was awesome and I liked it, and I'm sharing the video of the performance and my script below the cut. Enjoy!
PUT
A RING ON IT
________________
A
Play in One Act
SETTING:
We are in a restaurant. Center stage there is a table and two
chairs facing each other.
AT
RISE: Leo sits at the table, anxiously fiddling with a ring
and
deep in thought.
(Kelly
enters, surprising Leo by grabbing and shaking his shoulders.)
Kelly
Leo!
(Leo
shakes her off, looks around the restaurant in embarrassment to see
if anyone noticed.)
Leo
Personal
space. We've talked about this.
(Kelly
leans against his shoulder.)
Leo
I'm
in the middle of something.
Kelly
Yeah.
I see that. Did she stand you up?
Leo
No.
She's just late. She's late a lot. You know that.
Kelly
I
do. I know everything.
(She
gestures at the ring.)
If
you stare at it long enough does it get shinier?
Leo
I
thought you knew everything.
(Kelly
shrugs)
Leo
This
really isn't a good time.
Kelly
Oh,
come on. There's never a bad time for your imaginary friend to pop
in and say hi.
Leo
Okay.
Hi. How are you?
Kelly
Not
good, buddy. Not good at all.
Leo
Great.
That's awesome. Now you've said hi. So, poof.
Kelly
You're
not busy and we both know it.
(Walks
around to sit in the chair across from him.)
See?
Your gal pal isn't even here yet. We've got time to talk about the
horrible mistake you're making.
Leo
No.
No, I've thought this through. This is a good thing.
Kelly
Giving
her that fugly ring? Seriously? She doesn't want that. No one
wants that.
Leo
It's
not fugly.
Kelly
It
smells like bachelor bathroom. And it has cheeto dust in all the
little crevasses.
Leo
It's
a gesture.
Kelly
It's
humongous. If it's a gesture, it's like waving your arms around so
she'll look at you.
Leo
This
ring--
Kelly
That
ring? The ring we're talking about?
Leo
Yes.
This ring is a symbol. It's about trust. I'm letting her in,
because I care about her. And I don't care how much you don't like
her. This isn't about you.
Kelly
Not
about me? Oh, buddy, you don't seem to understand how this imaginary
friend thing works.
Leo
Why
don't you go break something and so people will blame it on me?
Kelly
You
know, the very fact that I'm here shows that you know it's a mistake.
Leo
No,
it shows that I've had doubts. I'm not denying that.
Kelly
Of
course you do. She sucks. She's got those boring stories. And that
laugh she did the other day? And that awful movie she made us watch
and acted like it was good? And the way she just goes on and on and
on about her dog. Just—just awful. You really want to let that in
your life? In our life?
Leo
You're
going to mock that laugh forever, aren't you? Laughs happen. At
least she does laugh and isn't some kind of joyless, soulless, robot
monster.
Kelly
That
laugh was like a honk. Like a pig honking on auto tune.
Leo
And
I like her stories. I like that she tells me about her day.
Kelly
But
couldn't her day be just a bit better?
Leo
I
like her. She's smart, and she's funny, and she's hot. I think
she's the one. I'm not going to let you talk smack about her.
Kelly
What
about the dog?
Leo
You
can talk smack about the dog.
Kelly
You
know it won't work out with her. I give you guys two months. Tops.
Don't give her the ring.
Leo
I'm
giving her the ring.
Kelly
Why?
Leo
Because...because...I
obviously have some issues--
Kelly
What
with your near constant blonde hallucination?
Leo
That.
Kelly
--Who's
the best friend you've ever had?
Leo
Yeah.
Well. She likes me and I think it's time we made it official. Time
I was more honest with her about my crazy.
Kelly
You're
going to scare her off.
Leo
Then
you win, don't you?
(Annalee
enters.)
Annalee
Sorry
I'm late. Sorry. Sorry.
(Leo
stuffs the ring in his pocket and stands to greet her. Kelly hurries
out of her seat to make room.)
Leo
Hey,
sunshine.
Annalee
I
had to pick Tangerine up from doggy daycare and he slobbered all over
everything and then I had to change clothes because of the slobber,
and traffic was miserable. But now I'm here. Ta-dah!
Kelly
Ta-dah!
Leo
(Ignoring
Kelly)
It's
fine. They haven't even come by to ask for our order yet.
Annalee
(She
sits.)
Well,
then, I'm practically early.
Leo
Hey!
That's never happened before. We should celebrate.
Annalee
With
Champagne.
Leo
And
fireworks, and a boat ride like in that movie you showed me.
Kelly
You
disgust me.
Annalee
I
thought you would hate that movie.
Leo
No.
It wasn't half bad.
Kelly
Seriously!?
(gestures
at Annalee, getting in her personal space, although she doesn't
notice.)
This!?
(Leo
flips her the bird under the table.)
Leo
Tell
me more about your dog's slobber.
Kelly
It's
like I don't even know you anymore.
(She
circles to lean on Leo's shoulder.)
Annalee
Why
do you want to hear about that?
Leo
No
particular reason.
Kelly
Way
to spite a figment of your imagination.
Annalee
Well,
you didn't miss much with the great drooling catastrophe. But it
could have been worse. I could have two dogs.
Kelly
Don't
give hr the ring. Please don't give it to her.
Leo
There's
something I've been meaning to talk to you about.
Kelly
No!
Annalee
Oh?
Kelly
Don't
do this to me.
Leo
Yeah.
I wanted...I wanted to give you this.
(He
pulls the ring out of his pocket.)
Annalee
A
fugly class ring?
Leo
It's
a symbol.
Annalee
That
we're going steady?
Kelly
See,
she doesn't want it.
Leo
You
don't have to take it. I know it's too big, and clunky and ...umm...
Kelly
Personal.
Leo
Personal.
(He
cuts an annoyed look at Kelly.)
But
I really like you and I think I can trust you with this. I want you
to be part of my life.
Annalee
Really?
Leo
Yeah.
Please. I want you to have it.
(He
hands her the ring.)
Kelly
No.
No no no no no--
(Annalee
slips on the ring. Her face falls a moment later as she focuses on
Kelly over Leo's shoulder.)
Kelly
(awkwardly)
Hi.
Annalee
What?
Leo
I
want you to know.
Annalee
But...What?
Leo
The
ring lets you see things.
Annalee
(She
takes the ring off and puts it back on, watching Kelly blink in and
out of existence.)
Oh
my God.
(She
tosses it to the table.)
There's
a woman behind you. An invisible woman.
Leo
It's
okay. She's just my imaginary friend.
Annalee
Your
imaginary friend?
Leo
Yeah.
Like. Casper.
Kelly
Casper's
a ghost, dumbass.
Annalee
Casper's
a ghost.
Leo
Okay.
No. Not like Casper. More like...
Kelly
Harvey?
Tyler Durden? Snuffleupagus? Any of those work? No. Because this
is never going to work.
Leo
Would
you shut up? (to Annalee) Not you. Her.
(He
glares at Kelly)
(Annalee
reaches for the ring, puts it on to see Leo and Kelly glaring at each
other.)
Annalee
You
have an imaginary friend.
Leo
Her
name's Kelly.
Kelly
Hey.
Annalee
And
she's just there. All the time. Watching you.
Kelly
And
commenting.
Leo
Not
all the time. Just a lot of the time.
Annalee
A
lot of the time.
Leo
Yeah.
This is kind of awkward.
Annalee
So
when you talk to yourself when you think I can't hear you. That time
you were arguing with the lamp. Those times when you just stop
mid-sentence and glare off into space.
Kelly
That's
me. I'm the lamp.
Leo
I
don't stop mid sentence.
Annalee
And
I can see her now. So she's real even though she's imaginary.
Kelly
It's
a head scratcher.
Annalee
(She
rubs her forehead.)
How?
Why? Why are you showing this to me?
Leo
Because
she's kind of a big part of my life. I thought you should know if we
were going to--
Kelly
Go
steady?
Leo
I
don't know. At what point in the relationship do you drop a bomb
like this on someone? When we get engaged? When we get married?
“Can you pick up the kids from soccer, and, oh, by the way, I have
an imaginary friend who hates your honk laugh.”
(A
beat of silence.)
Annalee
My
honk laugh?
Leo
I
didn't mean to say that.
Annalee
Pick
up the kids from soccer?
Leo
Or
tee-ball?
(Annalee
stares at him.)
Leo
Cello
practice?
Annalee
I
thought we were just having fun. Leo, I'm sorry if I gave you the
impression that I was looking for something serious. I'm not
interested in having kids right now or meeting your...family.
Leo
But...
Kelly
Hey,
you can't just--
Annalee
(to
Kelly)
It's
not you. It's him.
Kelly
That's
a new one.
Annalee
If
I take this off, will you invisibly stalk me?
Kelly
Hell
yes. You can't just dump my best friend. You can't do this to us.
I'm going to haunt you forever and--
(Annalee
takes off the ring, setting it on the table. She stands.)
Kelly
What?!
Did she just--Who does she think she is?
(Kelly
pokes at Annalee's arm.)
Tell
her I'm touching her.
Annalee
I'm
sorry, Leo. Even if it was just a class ring, it was wrong to take
it. I mean, what am I going to do with it? I can't wear it.
Leo
You
could put it on a necklace?
Annalee
I'm
sure somewhere out there, there's a girl for you. For the two of
you. Goodbye.
(She
leaves.)
Leo
(Calling
after her.)
We
could pretend I didn't say anything about tee-ball...Kelly's not so
bad once you get to know her. I think the two of you would actually
get along...We could pretend I didn't say anything about
tee-ball...Can I say goodbye to your dog?
(Leo
drops his head to the table. Kelly sits in Annalee's seat.)
Kelly
She
sucks! I told you she sucks. Don't beat yourself up about it. It's
not your fault your ring sucks.
Leo
It
sucks, but it isn't fugly.
Kelly
Yeah.
It is.
(She
looks around)
Wave
down a waiter and get us something to eat.
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